The World of Grandpa Don

The Choices We Make

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Don Plefka
January, 2003

We are not remembered, or judged. by what we know or by what happens to us, but by how we chose to live our lives.

God gives us free will. We chose between good and evil. Sometimes we have to chose between a good and a greater good. And, unfortunately, there are times when we must chose between an evil and a greater evil. In any case, there are guidelines that we can use in making our choices.

My daughter and her family gave a gift on Christmas, 2002 which will be part of my daily time of meditation and reflection. It is "Grace For The Moment" by Max Lucado. The Introduction is named "Each Day" and it inspired me to create this page because the thoughts are so much in tune with my beliefs. I will use Mr. Lacado's piece as an outline and expand on it.

Read on ...

Don Plefka
02/24/03

"Self" is not our body, our heart, or our mind, bur rather our soul, which will live on after the body is dead and returned to dust. C. S. Lewis writes that we, as humans, have a natural law that has been given to us by God and it is a law of goodness and love. In order for our being to have any meaning we have also been granted a free will to either obey this law or not.

So the question is: Do we wish to allow our body, which is temporary and corruptible,  control our deeds and actions? Do we want to allow the pleasures and attractions of the materialistic world dictate our behavior? Or, would it be better to seek the real "self" and the law within it?

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Since that law is God given, it is inherently right and good. 

A prudent person does not go wherever and whenever he is led by something or someone that comes by with a suggestion. The prudent person uses discretion according to values and goals that have been nurtured and established within. That is Self Control.

Self control is knowing what is good for the soul and making decisions about the conduct of life according to those pre-established values. As Max Lucado so aptly put it, "I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal."

Chose Self Control ...

Don Plefka
02/17/03

Gentleness and Kindness go hand in hand. So, not to be gentle is to be unkind. Being a gentleman or a Lady is a message to others that we are reasonable and non threatening. It shows consideration of others and a loving nature.

No argument is won by being demanding and violent, but gentle persuasion often wins the point. Some believe that being course and rough is a sign of strength. That may intimidate some at times but it usually gives the impression of a poor  education and bad character.

Genuine politeness, on the other hand, is a sign of a person who cares about the feelings and well-being of those with whom they interact. It inspires confidence and trust. 

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We should raise our voices only in praise, never in derision. Even animals respond to gentleness in a positive way. It is an instinctive reaction for them as it is with us. Fear of violence may produce temporary submission but never results in trust or conversion to another's point of view. 

Chivalry is not dead. Have the strength to be a Gentleman or a Lady, ... a Gentleperson.

Make demands only on ourselves, not others. Treat others with deference and respect.  Respond to the gentleness of others in kind. Respond to the roughness of others with gentleness. Lead others up, do not be dragged down.

Chose Gentleness ...

Don Plefka
02/08/03

As we go through life, one of the most critical character traits we carry with us is trustworthiness or or lack of it. A person not worthy of trust it a person who is avoided.

I recently wrote my thoughts about marriage and the promise to be faithful. It is imperative to have a history of faithfulness prior to making a promise of that magnitude. I am not speaking of only being faithful to our partner, but faithfulness to our promises in general. A person who is habitually untrustworthy can not be expected to be a good spouse.

Do we have a reputation of following through on a commitment? Or, are we known to be a person who say he will do something and then does not act upon his word? 

Some commitments are specific, such as those in response to a request. We are asked to do something and we say we will. Are we always faithful to our word? 

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Some commitments are implicit. When we accept a job, either paid or volunteer, we accept the duties that are part of it. Can our employer, customer, or others rely on our faithfulness to the task? 

Before embarking on a course of action we should think about our ability and willingness to follow through and if it is not possible to do so, admit the fact to ourselves and to those involved. 

When we accept a task or commitment and find we are not able to follow through, we demonstrate a faithfulness to the commitment by admitting our problem and seeking help or release from the commitment, not in abandoning it.

No commitment is trivial. Our faithfulness in every instance is a reflection of character and a measure of worth. Be reliable a person who can be trusted to be faithful to commitments and to himself.

Chose Faithfulness ...

Don Plefka
02/01/03

Every day we get emails offering to sell us a device which will give us free premium cable or present us with a verity of get-rich-quick schemes. Many fall victim to scams because of their greed or risk their reputation and honor trying to beat the system.

We are tempted to try to get something for nothing, to take what seems to be available for the taking or to get what we think we deserve. We reason that we are as good as anyone else and question why they should have things that we don't have.

When we take anything, goods or services, that belongs to someone else or to which we are not entitled, it is theft, pure and simple! 

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We have harmed the rightful owner and we have harmed ourselves as well. To poses a stolen item is to diminish it's value to equal the price we paid and in doing so diminish our worth to match it.

When we earn something, we appreciate it and value it. It increases out net worth, so to speak. There is satisfaction and pride in ownership because it is a result of our good efforts and industriousness. We can take pride in it and feel good about it.  

Max Lucado, said, "I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one."

Chose Goodness ...

Don Plefka
01/18/03

We are most apt to show kindness to those who are in need and that is very good. We should do so in a way that tells them they are loved and in ways that will tell them they are worthwhile, never in a demeaning way.

We should also be kind to those who are prosperous and healthy. They are often insecure and are accustomed to having demands made on them. They are often unloved for themselves and are in need of sincere kindness just as are we.

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Kindness should also be extended to the unkind. For, this is how God responds to us. It is the most stringent test of our kindness. When we respond to abuse and derision with kindness we are God-like and bring love to the situation.

Kindness will become our very nature, if we practice it diligently. We can take it to every situation and to everyone in our daily life. ... Be more kind, in every situation, than we need to be.

Chose Kindness ...

Also see the Kindness page.

Don Plefka
01/18/03

We all get frustrated by the many interruptions and inconveniences in our lives. Every time we plan to do something, something happens or someone cones along to upset the plan. That was once very irritating to me and the bane of my life. "Why can't I do what I want to do?"

Someone said, "Life is what happens while we are planning something else." The secrete is to recognize that fact. It is a fact! That is the way life is! 

It all gets back to selflessness. Recognizing that we are (I am) not the center of the universe and that there are things and people just as important, is the start of the solution. If we can learn that it is our nature to interact with others, that interaction will become the normal state of our lives and not an interruption. 

When our course is changed, we can accept the change in direction and go with the flow. A delay of plans is only that. Instead of cursing the delay or interruption, we can thank God that we are not adrift in this world alone to fend for ourselves. 

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We have places to go and things to do but if we are delayed, it may give us the opportunity to reflect on God's gifts and say a prayer of thanks. When things don't happen as quickly as we would like, take consolation in the fact that they will happen in due time and will be appreciated more when they finally do. And when something does not happen, recognize that there may be a reason which is beyond our understanding and look for an alternative which may be even better. 

There are many opportunities to be patient. When we practice this virtue it brings calmness and peace of mind. It also brings consideration and respect from people who will prefer to interact with a patient person rather than the self important one who is angry and demanding.    

When we are behind the person with 16 items in the "10 or less" line, relax and do a little people watching. It is a great pastime.  When the train blocks you way, listen to the radio or contemplate the meaning of life. When someone takes your place consider the pressures and stress of that person and be grateful that you are not him (her).

Chose Patience ... 

Don Plefka
01/12/03

"I will live forgiven. 
I will forgive so I may live." 
(Max Lucado) 

This is what it means to be at peace with yourself and the world. And, if we are to be forgiven, we must forgive.

We all need to be forgiven, for we have all sinned against others, against ourselves, and therefore against God. We have done this in our actions, our words and our attitudes. To ask for forgiveness is to acknowledge the transgression and admit our imperfect humanity. 

It is only when we have been forgiven that we can attain a state of peace and tranquility. With forgiveness the weight of guilt and regret are lifted from our backs. 

It is sometimes difficult to forgive. But if we remember that we ourselves are in need forgiveness it is easier to identify with the one whom we need to forgive.   

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It has been said that the greatest feeling of satisfaction comes when we genuinely forgive an enemy, even if that person does not know they are forgiven. For to forgive is to discard any thought of revenge, any grudge that we may harbor in our souls. It is to open ourselves to love and joy.

Since forgiving is so difficult in many cases, it may be easier to be less judgmental. Is that which we perceive an affront to us really intended as such or the result of poor judgment in the choice of words or actions? Maybe it was deserved. Maybe someone was having a bad day or maybe we misunderstood. And, how important was it ... really? We again arrive at the concept that how we react is more important than what happens to us.

Chose Peace ...

Don Plefka
01/04/03

One of the stories in a series regarding the way engineers view life illustrates a great lesson. Rather than look at a glass as half full, or as half empty, we can see it as being twice as large as it needs to be. In other words, the contents are sufficient for our needs. 

We can take joy in what we have. So what if someone has more, or better, or whatever. Are they happier? Or do they live in fear of loosing it? Have they made their lives and the lives of others miserable trying to get what they have ... and then even more?

And let us not carry the baggage of the past with us as we travel through life. It gets heavier and more cumbersome as we go taking the Joy out of living. 

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Don't block joy with a grudge. What happened, - happened. Leave it in the past. Approach every situation and person as an opportunity for a new and joyful beginning.

Enter each day looking for God's love and finding it in his creation. Approach each person with the genuine expiation of a pleasant experience. For, if you meet someone with animosity or distrust in you heart, it can not be hidden. They will know it and it will be reflected back to you thereby perpetuating a problem.

When we dwell on the negative, we suppress our spirits. When we look at our lives with gratitude to God we lift our spirits. No matter what happens it is our reaction that has the greater effect than the happening itself. So ...

Chose Joy ...

Don Plefka
01/01/2003

Nothing that comes into our lives justifies hatred. Hatred festers within us and corrupts us to the point of becoming more evil than that which initiated it. 

God is love. We were created in love and thrive on love. In times of distress we can not always love that which hurts us but in remembering that God loves us, the hurt can be overcome. 

All hurt is the result of the loss of something. If a loss has occurred in our lives we can thank God for giving, for a time, that which was lost. We realize that nothing on earth is for ever, not even life itself. 

Many have been taught not to show our loving nature, particularly men.

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 We have been conditioned to be tough, macho, and strong. We are taught that to show love is to be soft and that is for weaklings. But it takes real strength to overcome this conditioning and be a person of love. 

Like everything else, love is a quality that is more evident in some. In all of us it can be brought to the surface, nurtured, and become dominant. It brings with it much reward as it is given and received. The more we give of love the greater it grows. 

So let us look for the opportunity to love and be a loving person. It starts with the little things and it grows within, bringing peace in our hearts. 

... Chose Love

Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone asks him how he is doing, he always replies "If I were any better, I would be twins." 

Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him from restaurant to restaurant. The reason they followed Jerry was because of his attitude. 

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. 

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him "I don't get it! No one can be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood. 

I always choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it. 

"But it's not always that easy" I protested. "Yes, it is" Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. 

You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life." 

Several years later, I heard that Jerry left the back door of his restaurant open one morning, and was robbed by three armed men. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. 

I saw Jerry six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?" 

I declined, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door." "Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or choose to die. I chose to live." 

"Weren't you scared?" I asked. Jerry continued "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." 

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big nurse shouting questions at me" said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything." 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets! Over their laughter, I told them 'I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.' 

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors and nurses, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours that no one can control or take from you - is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything else in life becomes much easier. 

Don Plefka
9/20/2003

I received a "cute" email from a friend, at least I found most of it cute. But there were three items that, well, ... rubbed me the wrong way. (There was actually a fourth but I don't want to go into the last one.) So, I got up on my soap box (I always keep it handy) and sent back a message, which, in part, follows:

Cute ... but ... 

The problem with generalizations and the support of stereotyping is ...

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT 
Yes I know this really refers to right wing fanatical evangelists, but.. The Church of Vatican II emphasizes the evangelistic nature of the church. We are called by baptism to bring others to Christ. Check out the "Welcome" page of the St. Julie web site. (Get there from the "Information" page.) Are we EVIL? 

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT Suicide is not the answer to anything.  Do we want to put this into the mind of a desperate teen or anyone else for that matter? 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
My Mother-in law was the greatest. I am also sure that my two daughters-in-law and son-in-law would say the same of Anne. My sons love their mother-in-laws and so does my daughter.

To which, my friend replied (in part):

I agree with some of your observations but I generally do not censor that which I do not 100% agree with - this is the Great Amalgamation of Competition of people, thoughts and philosophical ideas - called the USA.

And, my reply to his reply:

You make some good points ....

However, I do not feel obligated to perpetuate a concept with which I do not agree. To do so would imply my agreement with it and work to defeat my own viewpoint in the competition of which you speak. 

On the contrary, I feel obligated NOT to put my endorsement on concepts which are contrary to my goals, which are to do all I can to raise myself to a higher level of the human state and, If I can, drag a few others up with me.

My further thoughts on the email exchanges:

When I think about my reactions to some of these situations, I  sometimes worry that my friends will think I am being "holier than thou" and unrealistic in my zeal to strive toward a perfect world.

For most of my life that didn't concern me because I was part of the crowd and delighted in having a laugh at the expense of others or putting down those who's views were not the same as mine. I was part of the crowd, never "pretending" to be better than anyone else. I didn't make waves. Then recently, "I got Religion", literally and actually.

The age old question is, "What is the meaning of life?" Jesus gave us the answer but few see it. I didn't! I freely confess to being imperfect. But I have come to believe that the reason we are here is to strive for perfection. If this is so, how can we settle for mediocrity?  How can we say that the status quo is good enough. I can not anymore! I know that being imperfect, I will have failures but I will not just say oh, that's OK, everyone is doing it.

And so, I will try as best I can to promote the noble course of action, take the high road, if you will. And, ... I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. It is not a matter of being better than someone else, it is a matter of being the human that God intended, one who tries to raise himself and others above the low standards that have been set by others.

This is the choice I have made. I hope I can stand by it.
And, I invite you to join me, ... and be better than me!

************ That was to be the end of this dissertation, but ....

That evening I watched "Gentleman's Agreement", the 1947 award winning movie on anti-Semitism. It was one of my NetFlix DVD rentals. A major point in the movie was that many who consider themselves to be free of anti-Semitism actually are guilty of it by their inaction and toleration of those actively engaged in the evil.

Wow! On the one hand, I felt supported in my zeal to refuse to promulgate the mistakes of others. On the other hand, I was not confronting the wrongs. Was I not doing my utmost to defeat evil ways? Should I be out there, joining in marches and picketing and chanting? That is not my style! I don't do that! What am I to do?

************ That was to be another end of this dissertation, but ....

After Mass on Sunday, I read the parish Bulletin and an article based on the readings of the day. One sentence in particular caught my eye. "Whenever we reproach the wicked, the two sides grow further apart." I always knew that confrontation results in the two parties putting up their defenses, strengthening their resolve, and pushing them further apart. I felt better.

I am now back in my "comfort Zone". I do not need to be an activist but I will do my part in building the Kingdom by quietly refusing to perpetuate evil and mistakes. I will be the best person I can be and know that by my example, others will be led to do likewise.

I will be an Evangelist, by being a witness to the teachings of Jesus.
I will promote "a life of faith" to replace desperation.
I will look for the good in all people and avoid stereotyping any one or group.

And, I will try to be nicer than I need to be to everyone I Meet.

************** This is the beginning of this story.

Max Lucado

• Pray all the time. If necessary, use words.
• God forgets the past. Imitate Him
• Greed I've often regretted. Generosity --- never.
• Don't ask God to do what you want. Ask God to do what is right.
• No one is useless to God. - No one!
• Nails didn't hold God to the cross. Love did.
• You will never forgive anyone more than God has already forgiven you.

In his little book "Grace For The Moment", Max asks us to share these with others.  So, ... I share them with you. He suggests that we chose to live by them.

There is a story on my "Sharing" page that I remembered when I came across the same one in a book. See LIFE'S PERSPECTIVE

The story is presented on my "Sharing" as it was received from a friend in 2001 or 2002 and I am sure that he received it in the same form. I recently found the same story in "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne W Dryer published in 2004. The version in the book was probably taken from the original source although no author is given credit in either case. In Dryer's book the school is identified as Chush school in Brooklyn, NY and the boy's name is Shaya, not Shay. 

The person who circulated the story on the internet probably wanted to make it more acceptable to Christian friends by making the change. There were other changes in wording, including the following:

In the email story ...
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face," the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."  

In the book ...
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection" 

My point here is to say that when we find a story that we like or find relevant, we should not try to bend it to our purposes by making modifications and then passing it on. The author of the story deserves the respect of authorship. He should be quoted exactly as he wrote it even if it is anonymous. Then, if we wish, we can add our comments, identified as such, to make the point we wish to emphasize. 

When we change the story to suit our purposes, no matter how well intentioned, we taint it with doubt. This is a problem with email forwarding.  It is too easy to receive a story and then make a modification to 'bend' it to our liking. I know that most of us don't do this but as this instance demonstrates, some do.

This is just one example of how seemingly innocent dishonesty can cloud not just a single story, but all stories found in you email in-box. It places that seed of doubt on the things sent to us by friends.

It has been wisely said that "Honesty is the best policy". Firstly, there is the peace of mind of the honest person. He never has to worry about making a slip because he forgot to whom the lie was spoken. The honest person builds a reputation of reliability and trustworthiness. 

Honesty builds a bond of trust among people. It works towards a "higher level of existence" for all.

Don Plefka
03/20/2004