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A Bit of Humor An Archive of stories prior to 2005 |
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| A Bit of Humor From time to time a bit of humor shows up in my mail box or other places. Since most of this web site tends toward the serious side, I decided to set aside a page for some comic relief. There is no index. You just have to scroll down and read them. Don Plefka |
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From: Sr. Gael |
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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral.". |
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ONLY THE BRITS COULD SAY IT SO WELL!!! Shared by Frank Schober |
I generally try to stay away from derogatory humor. However, I do admire the way the British have for words. Their mastery of the language and it's nuances is commendable. djp |
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In Paris, France: The war-weary Marine asked, "please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French lady looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The Marine didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and yelled and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the Marine. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!" |
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Test for Dementia ....From Bob Lewis Exersise of the brain is as important as
exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, It's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....Below is a very private way to
gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still " with it" |
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A teenager climbs on a city bus, the kid has spiked hair colored green, yellow, and orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on. His entire face and body are riddled with piercing jewelry and his earrings are big, bright yellow, and adorned with colored feathers. The young fellow sits down in a vacant seat, which happens to be directly across the aisle from an old man, who stares at the kid for the next ten miles. Finally, the self-conscious kid yells out, What are you looking at old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without so much as blinking, the old man replies, "Well, yes, I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I've been sitting here thinking that you might be my son." |
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How smart are you??? Sent by Bob Lewis |
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On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. This was shared by Bob Lewis |
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Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. Shared
by Leo Aubin I
recently found Leo as a result of our being assigned to the USS Gyatt way back
when ... We had signed the guest book on the Gyatt reunion web site. |
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Wise Investments Shared by Alex Kapocius |
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WHY
GOD CREATED CHILDREN After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was "DON'T!" Contributed by Alex Kapocius
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Want to test your IQ ?? Try the question
below...
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He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. |
Now highlight the next box.
| If you got this wrong...please go dig a hole and hide in it. |
For the answer, highlight the the grey box..
Early in the fall.
If Autos were like Computers
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
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For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
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Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
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Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
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Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
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Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. T
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The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
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The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
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Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
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Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
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You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Note
from Grandpa Don:
The GM spokesman is, however, obviously too young to know of the early
automobiles that needed to be cranked to start, had kerosene headlights,
manual transmissions, open passenger compartments, no heat or air
conditioning, no windshield wipers or rear view mirrors. Wooden blocks
were kept in the car so you could jump out and place them at the wheels
to prevent the car from rolling back down the hill when it stalled on
the way up. There were no windows to keep out the rain or snow. The
driver signaled when he was about to turn or stop by using his left arm.
Tires were solid hard rubber at first and later the inflated tires used
inner-tubes which often went flat. You carried a "patch" kit
and hand pump to fix them.
Automobiles have improved but it took time. So will computers. (If we live that long.)
OR, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE SMART, TRY THIS ...
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How long did the Hundred Years War last?
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Which country makes Panama hats?
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From which animal do we get catgut?
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In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
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What is a camel's hair brush made of?
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The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
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What was King George VI's first name?
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What color is a purple finch?
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Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
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What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done?
... To check
your answers click here.
Shared by
Alex Kapocius
How this works I have no idea
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Key-in the first 3 digits of your phone number into the calculator (not the area code)
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Multiply by 80
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Add 1
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Multiply by 250
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Plus last four digit of phone number
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Plus last four digit of phone number again
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Minus 250
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Divide by 2
Recognize
the result?
IT'S NOT A GOLF TERM?
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T,"
(Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is
in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
I always thought it was a golf term.
Another Virus Detected
Sent by
Alex Kapocius
At first I was going to put this on the "Computer" page but ...
BE PREPARED!!!
Supposedly started by a C programmer who interestingly enough comes from
the West Nile region. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or
McAfee cannot take care of this one.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. It appears to mostly affect those who were born prior to 1970
9. It is called the "C-Nile Virus."
Shared by Pat Bennet
... And God
populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green
and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said
to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super
size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he
brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put
on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy
dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for
dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth
chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter
And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV
with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels
between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God
brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control
and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and
said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
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Oh YES!, I've been there & done that. ... Including the quad by-pass. But it does demonstrate the forgiving nature of God, ... no matter how much we screw up!
Don
Shared by Alex K
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on Nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
Pass this along to your friends.
For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes
in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
Sent by Pat Bennet
Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom; to understand my man
Love; to forgive him
Patience; for his moods
Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength
I would use it to beat him to death
AMEN
From Alex K
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
Sent by Alex K
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago'."
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On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Sent by Alex K
In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff ."
For all you cat lovers.........
Sent by Pat Bennet
Part I.
How to give a cat a pill.
(1) Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
(2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
(3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
(4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding near paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
(5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
(6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees; hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
(7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
(8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
(9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to helper's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
(10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
(11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
(12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
(13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
(14) Get someone to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
(15) Arrange for Humane Society to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Part 2.
How to give a dog a pill.
(1) Wrap it in bacon and toss it into the air.
Sent by Alex K
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation! Are you ready to hear what he won?
The judges not only awarded
him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
Riddles
Sent by Ron Hartman
Hope your holidays
were extra special. I enjoyed these riddles.. Some I had heard before
and almost didn't read them....but, there are some new ones mixed in
between. ENJOY!
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On
It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take
The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of
It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A
Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho
Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate
Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro
Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled
Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A
Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You
Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have
Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It
Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They
Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad
Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver
Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! Have a
great day!
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
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I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
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I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
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Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
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One out of every three people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
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They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Navajo Wisdom
From Ron Hartman
The Minister's Son Presides
From Alex Kapocius
A saleswoman is driving toward her home in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had
been long and quiet, the saleswoman stops the car and the Navajo woman
climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a
brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the
saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my
husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times approvingly
and says, "Good trade."
Source Unknown
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."
Two Little Girls
from Alex Kapocious
A little girl was watching her parents
dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
from Alex Kapocious
(Continued from left)
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had
never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he
couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on
the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed
going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National
Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a
very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like
crazy."
Unbeleivable!
from Alex Kapocious
Printed Instructions
from Alex Kapocious
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new
litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were
two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
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A gift for grandma Shared by Alex Kapocious |
Keep Calm! Shared by Alex Kapocious |
| This
little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her
life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing
in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" |
In the supermarket was a man pushing
a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept
repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert;
don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert." |
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When the mother returned from the grocery store,
her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he
spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are
you doing?" his Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
From Alex Kapocious
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin
our day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck
they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying
their own way."
Shared by Ron Hartman
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
From Alex Kapocious
Where does grandma live?
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
From Alex Kapocious
Modern Math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon
Network!"
Sent by Alex Kapocious
Senior Moments
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Sent by Bob Lewis
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and had placed it in front of the apples.
The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."
Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read:
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Sent by Alex Kapocious
"Forgive Your Enemies"
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their
enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another
twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a
response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in
the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
Shared by,
Pat Bennet
Being Discreet
Six retired men were playing poker at the Kilarney senior center when Murphy loses 500 pounds on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Kelly looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws and Finnegan picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Finnegan goes over to the Murphy apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Finnegan declares, "Your husband just lost five hundred pounds, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Finnegan says, "I'll let him know."
Contributed by Alex K
The Vet
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
sorry, but Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning a few
moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the
vet, shook his head and barked.
The vet petted the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat,
which jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook
its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your
parrot is dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys,
produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it.
"$150.00!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's
ridiculous!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have
been $20, but ... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
Sent by Ed Helmold
That one probably should have been one of the "Pun of the Week" stories but it was too long to qualify.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her two young son's breakfast. They started arguing about who would get the first one off the grill. Mom saw an opportunity to teach a Christian value lesson and said, "Boys, don't you think that if Jesus was here, He would say 'give the first one to my brother'"?
There was a few moments of silence, the boys glanced at each other and at their mother. Finally the oldest said, "Billy, ... you be Jesus."
Adapted from "Faith Works"
Leader's Insights on Faith Formation
An article by Jeannine Goggin - May/June 2002
When sacrifice is involved, sometimes we are all to ready to step aside and let the other guy be the hero.
Pastoral Wit
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day and he walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
This smile was sent by Rich Kapis
.