The World of Grandpa Don

Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

In this case it was BALTHASAR GRACIÁN's Maxim #7 that prompted further thought. He speaks of giving advice to a superior. However, if we are going to give advice to anyone we should consider our motivation in doing so.

Is it our purpose to demonstrate our superiority? If so, it may be better to remain quiet.

If it is our intention to improve the person, to provide enlightenment, or the solution to a problem, then it would be well to follow the sage old monk's advice.

Balthasar said ...

"So make any advice given to them appear as a recollection of something they have only forgotten, rather than as a guide to something they cannot find."

This is truly the way to win friends and influence people. Be they superiors, peers, or even subordinates. You build their self esteem and at the same time they view you as a friend. After all, If they believe the idea was in them all along, in bringing it out, you have indicated that you agree with them.

This may be looked upon as a form of  flattery or worse yet, deception. I don't think so. I look at it as a discrete teaching tool, particularly when dealing with peers.

Of course, Balthasar does start out by addressing his advice to the situation concerning the relationship with superiors. And, this vein of thought is what Ron Hartman follows up in his comments. Ron poses the question, "How many of ye have patience to swallow pride in authorship, to get something done?" He opens a valid and important point. Authorship and ownership of ideas and initiative is a very important in the building and maintaining of a career.

The recognition of ones work by an immediate superior is important and this recognition of your talents by his superiors may be even more important. A superior who consistently takes credit for his subordinates work is unethical and it may be necessary to go over his head to report the abuse. If that can not be done, a transfer or job change may be in order. A difficult situation, as Ron points out.

The intelligent supervisor will give credit where credit is due and his credit will be in the fact that he is a person who is fair with his employees and encourages productivity on their part. After all, one of the major tasks of a supervisor is to train his replacement. Failing to do so could impede his own promotion.

It is, however, in the realm of interpersonal relationships that I take the liberty to extend the advice of our wise 15th century monk. It is when dealing with family and friends that we can particularly follow his advice.

We definitely should not attempt to belittle those with whom we disagree. Being superior only results in defensiveness on their part. The situation becomes a contest in which someone will have to acknowledge being wrong.  Ron follows this line when he mentions the 50% divorce rate. Too often we place 'being right' over what is right or what is right for the relationship.

Harmony may be more important that being right, or smarter, or more talented. Leading someone to think they have the correct approach to a problem is much better than dragging them there in defeat and shame. Some of us are very sensitive of our self worth.

We are to build a Kingdom and we don't do that by cutting others down. In building people up we enhance ourselves. The Glory is God's, not ours.

Don Plefka
9/06/03