The World of Grandpa Don

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Vive la différence

"All are created equal." We love to quote that phrase. It is even part of our nation's constitution. The problem it that it is totally false! That is particularly true of men and women.

Back when many women were very vocal about gaining equality with men, Anne insisted that she did not want equality. She would not lower herself! She often said that she did not want to come down off the pedestal on which I had placed her.

The key here is that it was I who placed her there. I placed her apart and made her special. She had not demanded this special place or even requested it. It was a matter of respect more than affection. She was a very special person in my life and it was my way of showing it.

 You see, I was not a very affectionate person for many years. Maybe my excuse is that I am a man. Men are not as 'sensitive' (in general) as women. When a boy scrapes his knee and goes to his father crying for comfort, dad says, "Stop crying", implying "it isn't what men do". When the boy goes to his mother she (softly) says, "Stop crying", implying "I know it hurts but it will be OK".

Now, it isn't that I was not sensitive at all. From as early as I can remember I would get a lump in my throat listening to good music and that included a stirring Sousa march. But, Many times, when Anne needed me to just 'be there' for her, I was off in my own world. Her conclusion, for the time, was that I didn't love her. Sometimes, knowing that I did love her, but that I was being a typical man, she would try to get me to show affection. It's a lot like telling someone to "say something funny". Without the spontaneity, it just doesn't work!

Now that she is gone, I am often heard telling men to "Hug your wife a lot" (they need it). I tell them that because,  for me, ... it is too late. It is a major regret.

Several things prompted me to set this down for all to see. Men and women are DIFFERENT! Women become pregnant and give birth. I suspect that having given them this ability (and privilege) they were also given a much more sensitive nature that they would be better able to care for their children.

They are different in many other ways. Women even blink almost twice as much as men. Now that has nothing to do with this discussion but it goes to show that there are differences.

The question is that in recognizing the differences, is it necessary or even desirable to eliminate them?

A change is inevitable. But, I do not believe it needs be total. There is a continued growth throughout life and with it a change. The most important thing is that it can not be forced.

First it is necessary to recognize the differences in the personalities and characteristics of partners. In doing so, the differences can be valued for their mutual contribution to the partnership. It is also important to recognize that one will never force change on the other. In the attempt to do so, the relationship WILL be destroyed. If an individual can not live with what he or she sees as a fault that must be corrected, it may be wise to stop and find another partner ... before marriage.

If change occurs, it will come from within the person who changes. It's is like "getting religion". It can not be forced.

The story goes;

The marriage councilor greeted the man by stating that he and his wife should have come to him together and the man said, "You don't understand. I came to you because you know all about these things. My marriage is hopeless. My wife is a cruel beast. I came to you because I want revenge and I want you to tell me how I can hurt my wife the most before I divorce her."

After determining that the man was adamant in his plans, he told him to treat her like a queen. Lavish her with attention and favors and when she became totally spoiled and pampered, serve her with divorce papers. That was guaranteed to devastate her and break her heart.

A year later the two men met on the street and the councilor asked if the man followed his instruction and if he got the divorce. The man replied;

Oh yes, I did what you said but, I could not divorce her. The woman became a queen, loving, and considerate. And, ... she treats me like a King!"

The story, of course works as well with the genders reversed.

As you come to know your prospective mate better and discover the traits that do not please you, it would be well to reflect on the things that attracted you in the first place. Were they all superficial, like appearance? Or were there things like good character, ambition, intelligence and values. Were there traits that would complement yours and strengthen the partnership? Were there the seeds of a characteristic that, with a little encouragement, could grow? Build on that.

When contemplating a life partnership, it would be prudent to ask yourself how you expect to change to adapt to the other. Or, ... if you even think you can.  There will be unplanned changes as well, and you must be willing and able to deal with them. Differences can be a strength in a relationship.

I invite you to read what Kahlil Gibran, my favorite sage, has to soy on the subject. Click here.

Vive la différence

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Don Plefka
08/09/03